This is a guest-post from Jennifer of Girls Asylum.
Self-love.
For some, this concept may be common sense. They’ve had self-love down pat for most of their lives. I truly envy these people. I struggle with my self-love fairly often, but I usually win. This wasn’t always the case though.
In high school, I was always the fat, smart kid. I got picked on some but being smart kept it to a minimum compared to what I saw some of the other kids go through. It still hurt though. I started to see myself as not worthy of love. My self esteem was nonexistent.
I spent the next ten years after high school going from one bad relationship to the next. I defined myself based on the man I was seeing at the time. I also linked myself worth to being in a relationship, no matter how bad it was. I allowed myself to be abused mentally, spiritually, and emotionally.
I finally decided to get real about succeeding in what I want in life after my last long term relationship dissolved. I can’t pinpoint what made me finally see the light, but I think it was learning to live on my own. I lived on my own for about a year after that.
Within a few months after moving into my own place, I lost my job.
Unlike my former self, the new me saw it as an opportunity to finish the degree I had started several years before. Nothing stood in my way. I eventually had to move back in with my mother, but I got my degree.
That is the proudest moment of my life to date. I finally finished something! I had a success under my belt for the first time in about 12 years. Boy did that feel good.
Since that time, I have started blogging. I am in a positive relationship with a wonderful man who respects me. I’ve really turned my life around. I still have financial woes, but with this economy not having these woes is strange.
What made the difference in my life?
I finally started to believe I was worth being loved.
I worked hard on loving myself, flaws and all. I started working to fix things about myself I didn’t like. I stopped basing my self esteem on others. I finally found my spirituality. And because of all these things, I have stopped sabotaging my efforts to move to the life I want.
It is the self fulfilling cycle of self-sabotage that kills your chances at success.
You will do things that will make it darn neigh impossible to complete tasks that make you feel GOOD. You don’t know how to visualize positive outcomes until you believe in these outcomes for yourself.
The first step to believe in yourself and what you are trying to accomplish in your life is to love yourself.
How can you find self-love and begin to believe in yourself? Here are a few tips to help you:
Stop basing your self-image on anything but what you believe.
You should look at yourself through the lens of your values and beliefs. What other people say isn’t as important as what you think about who you are. Are you living the things you say you value and believe? If so, why are you looking down on yourself? If you aren’t living those things, re-evaluate your beliefs then make a plan to start living them. You’ll start feeling better and be true to yourself in the process
Start looking at the good things about you.
So what if you’re X lbs overweight? Or you leave everything to the last minute. You’re a good friend. Or maybe you’re an awesome writer. There is a huge list of things you are great at and that make you a wonderful person. If you can’t see them yourself, ask a trusted friend to give you a list of the top positive aspects of who you are. And believe them. Look at yourself and find those traits your friend listed. Focus on those things, and you will start to see yourself in a whole new light.
I am not saying you shouldn’t try to change things about yourself you dislike. I just want you to see the wonderful side of you and place more importance on that side while making the changes you need to make.
Find your spirituality.
This has been a big key for me. It doesn’t matter what you were raised to believe. If it’s not a source of joy and inspiration, take a look at other belief systems to see if there is a different one that will bring you that joy. Feel free to combine aspects of several forms of spirituality to make one that works for you. This joy will push you to start becoming the best you that is possible. Once you start moving towards the best you can be, you will start to love who you are more and more every day.
These are just a few ways you can start the journey towards loving yourself in order to stop your cycle of self-sabotage.
What do you find most difficult about loving who you are?
What tips do you have to offer to those of us who do struggle with the ability to love ourselves?
Gurl (also known as Jennifer) blogs about relationships, blogging and social media at Gurls Asylum. She is a student and enjoys reading, music, movies and a touch of TV.
Related Posts:
1. How to Stop Thinking and Start Doing – Guest Post
2. The Only Words You’ll Need To Overcome Your Fears
3. From Homeless To The Infopreneur – Guest Post
4. Do You Need To Let Go and Forgive?
5. Are You Being Your True Authentic Self?
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Nice post. I like your writing style Jennifer.
The part of self image was the most important to me. I am currently reading Psycho Cybernetics by Maxwell Maltz and every page of the book is amazing to me. It is all about self image. If there was only one personal development area I would recommend to people it would be self image.
I’m glad you brought this up and I hope the readers investigate this amazing important area of life. In essence, you will never outgrow the image you hold of yourself. So make sure you hold one that is worthy of you.
Justin Popovic´s last blog ..Everything Has an Opposite
Hello, Justin.
I am glad you enjoyed the article and thank you for the complement on my writing
I agree that self image is very important. Others won’t respect you or love you until you do both for yourself, and it is hard to love or respect yourself when you self image isn’t positive.
“In essence, you will never outgrow the image you hold of yourself. So make sure you hold one that is worthy of you.” Excellent point!
Thank you for taking the time to comment, I hope your week goes well
Hi Justin,
I’m reading it, too
And would definitely agree that self-image and self-esteem is very important. In essence, it’s your foundation for your life. A poor self-image will hold you back in life, while a good, realistic self-image can make you soar and overcome life’s difficulties.
Thanks,
Karen
Hi Jennifer,
I think one of the things that I found helpful was to realise that loving oneself only exists in the present. What I mean is that its not helpful to love a future idea of oneself. We have to deal with the present. Whilst that may be hard as it is all about change, I think that like all relationships if we focus on the things we like about ourselves and maximise and magnify those we give ourselves a better chance of moving from like to love….step by step.
Adrian
Adrian Swinscoe´s last blog ..Social Media for My Business: 16 Lessons Learnt so Far
Hi, Adrian.
Thanks so much for sharing your insight!
Great point. I’d not thought of it quite like that. I think seeing it like that will help me when I get “one of those days” where I fall back into old habits and old ways of seeing myself
Hi Jennifer,
You are welcome. Good luck with building the self love.
Adrian
Adrian Swinscoe´s last blog ..Belief as a Driver for Business Growth and Success
Hi Adrian,
That is a very thought-provoking comment about loving ourselves today, and not just our future self that may or may not happen. It’s very hard not to fantasize about our future selves, but you’re right – we have to deal with the present. We are here today. We are whole today. We can love ourselves today.
Thanks so much for pointing that out.
Karen
Jennifer, what a nice surprise to find you here! I found it a lot easier to love myself once I dropped all the labels, roles, and rules and just let myself discover who I was without those structures. Sort of scary at first, but in the end I realized I don’t have to do, be, or have anything to earn love. It’s always been there and always will be.
Jean Sarauer´s last blog ..6 Things That Get Easier About Blogging if You Just Keep Going
Hi Jean, It was a nice to surprise to have Karen accept my post
She prettied it up some, which is awesome. Interesting perspective on dropping labels. I’d not really seen the connection to that, but it is true. Once I stopped buying into some of the negative labels that have been foisted upon me by others, the journey did get easier. I won’t say its complete or even truly easy to over come low self image and stay in a loving place in regards to one’s self. I will say it is well worth the journey and pays off in ways words just can’t express. Thanks so much for sharing your insight, Jean 
Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Jennifer. Change can be good, but learning to appreciate yourself for who you are at the moment is important, too. If we can’t love ourselves — or even LIKE ourselves — how are we supposed to let other people see who we are inside? We’d be too afraid to ever get out of our comfort zone to even meet people.
Steve Scott Site´s last blog ..Steve’s Sunday Selections – June 6th, 2010
Hey, Steve. Glad you stopped by and shared your thoughts. I agree, the first step is becoming accepting of who you are right now and enjoying that for a bit. However, if there are things about yourself that really bug you, you’ll likely need to make the move to changing those before you can truly be comfortable with who you are.
Letting others in to get to know who we are is a subject that one could do a whole other post on. I know many people who are very comfortable in their own skin, but have a self preservation instinct that leads them to hide behind a wall until they learn they can trust you. And these are some of the sweetest, most loving and inspiring people I’ve met to date.
Very nice post Jennifer. Loving ourselves is crucial to our success. If we don’t love ourselves, then who will? Many people suffer from low self esteem because they keep focusing on their weaknesses. Instead, we should focus on our strength and know that each one of us is unique and true gift to the world.
Thanks for sharing
Dia´s last blog ..Program your mind for success
Hi Dia,
Thank you for stopping by and sharing your thoughts.
It is so true that focusing on your strengths helps one to be more loving and accepting of them selves
Hi Jennifer, it’s nice that you’re sharing this. I used to be the same way as you, accepting myself. In elementary school, I was picked on because I looked different and growing up, I have always felt that because I looked different (also from those memories) that I would somehow incapable succeeding. I realized that everybody has their own struggles; mine our different from yours. But even if we do have struggles, one of the biggest ones is first accepting and loving yourself, because if you don’t do this, everything else becomes twice as hard. Also, finding forms of spirituality has helped me with finding more joy in my life. Thanks for this Jennifer!
Hulbert Lee´s last blog ..Angela Artemis – Financial Salesperson, Spiritual Medium, and Blogger of Mystic Musings (Interview)
Hi Hulbert,
I am glad to read that you are finding more joy in your life. I also hope that you have become more loving and accepting towards yourself. Thank you for sharing your story.
Hi Hulbert,
It’s so easy to look at other people and think to yourself, if only I looked like that or had their success or didn’t have my weakness. When that happens, I’m always reminded of the saying ‘ When you’re looking at someone else, someone is looking at you’. To someone else, they’re looking at you and saying, ‘Man, I wish I looked like that or had their success or their brains, etc’. You’re so right that we all have our flaws and struggles. it just appears that other people don’t – it may not be as obvious, but we all definitely have fears and struggles.
Thanks,
Karen
Hi Jennifer,
I really enjoyed this post. I loved your honesty and openness about your feelings of hurt growing up.
You’re so right to pick this topic. I’ve struggled with accepting my authentic self my whole life. It’s only in the last 3 years that I’ve let myself be the real me.
Thank you for sharing this with us.
Angela Artemis´s last blog ..Angela Artemis Interviewed by Hulbert Lee of From Bottom Up
Hi Angela,
It’s my pleasure to share a story that I hope will help others see they are not alone. I also hope that it helps them to overcome the obstacles we set up for ourselves and that they learn to love and appreciate themselves.
I am glad you hear that you’re able to be the real you now. Its one of the hardest things in life to do. I still struggle with it at times, but I suppose most people always will. Its not the fact that we have difficulties with loving ourselves that matter. It matters that, for the majority of the time, we DO love ourselves as we are.
Hi there,
Yeah, the part about being the chubby, smart kid who gets picked on all the time fit me. I was told when I was in college that I was pretty, but all I could think of was why can’t I attract a guy? Is there something wrong with me? I traveled to England and learn more about spirituality and self-confidence. After that, I started loving myself and enjoying life.
I think what I would add to this list is to do what you love regardless of what others may think. That doesn’t mean act irresponsible, but it means doing what you love in life and not falling to peer pressure. If we do what we love, then we start feeling better about ourselves.
A.M.´s last blog ..Are Single People Thinner?
Hi A.M.
I am glad to hear you have found your path to loving yourself. Doing something you love will definitely help increase one’s happiness and, in turn, their ability to perceive the good things about themselves. Thanks for stopping by and sharing your experiences and thoughts.
Gurl´s last blog ..Blogging Lessons From The Rodeo
Hi Jennifer,
It seems trials and tribulations bring us closer to spirituality and it’s many forms — I know it has, for me. It’s important to believe we are deserving of healthy relationships, abundance, reaching our goals, etc. Unless we’re feeling worthy of good things, we won’t attract good things.
Thank you for sharing your personal story with us.
Hi Kim,
Excellent point. I know that I attract more positive things when my attitude and energy is positive. Thanks for stopping by and sharing your thoughts
Comparing myself with others is one of the things I often do, and it leads to the difficulty of establishing self-love.
I know that I’m still on the road to improving my way of thinking, and I’m thankful for the advice you gave in your post. I also believe in the value of having good people to influence us.
Let’s not compare ourselves with happy and successful persons, instead let’s focus on the good things they’re doing, the good traits they have, and determine if these things would work for us. It’s worth trying, especially if it would help us achieve something as important as self-love.
Julius´s last blog ..What Can a Musical Genius Teach Us About Accessibility?
Hi Julius,
Wonderful point! I think it would be very helpful to not compare yourself to others, but find the traits and things they do that you want to incorporate into your own life. I’d never considered that before! Thanks so much for coming by and sharing your insights
Thanks so much Jennifer for sharing your post with us. You’ve had the courage to share with us your struggles and tips that have helped you on your journey.
It’s helped a lot of people with their self-image.
It’s been my absolute pleasure Karen. I think I might have found my calling, actually. Still pondering, but I have so much I have struggled with over the years that I probably have a library of how to become the best you posts I could do.
It means a lot to me to help someone else going through what I have or what I am going through. Thank you so much for the opportunity, I’ve enjoyed interacting with this community so much!
hello jennifer,
how are you?
thanks for sharing this and i must say you’ve got so much courage, love and zest in you.
i’m glad you finished the degree and that made you feel accomplished. it’s only a matter of time,planning,process and hope.
my take home thought from this article is believe you are worth being loved and start looking at the good things about you.
take care of yourself and have a lovely weekend.
ayo´s last blog ..The Fifth Edition Of The Life Skills Magazine Is Out Now!!
Hi Ayo
I am good and hope you are as well. I love that take home thought. Its the main thing one needs to do in order to start down the path to loving ones self–BELIEVE
Glad you stopped by and shared your thoughts. Thank you for your kind words, and I wish you a wonderful weekend
Hi Jennifer,
It is wonderful that you have found the best part of yourself, your spiritual side. Our self-worth and self-esteem can take many hard blows, all inflicted by ourselves. It is great that you now have authority of your life! We too regularly damage our self-image by detecting what we don’t like, have, or want! It is the little achievements in living that count. Bless you on your journey and thank you for sharing something so relevant to us all.
Sandra
Sandra Hendricks´s last blog ..We Are All Unique – There is No Comparison
Hi Sandra,
Glad you stopped by and shared your thoughts on the post. I too am very glad to have found my spirituality. I have a feeling it will evolve, but to have it is amazing. It is nice to have met you and I wish you all the best