Jealousy – How to Get Over It

 

“Jealousy lives upon doubts. It becomes madness or ceases entirely as soon as we pass from doubt to certainty.” – Francois de la Rochefoucauld

Are you a jealous person? Do you envy what others have?

A couple of definitions first:

Jealousy is an emotion and typically refers to the negative thoughts and feelings of insecurity, fear, and anxiety over an anticipated loss of something that the person values, such as a relationship, friendship, or love. Jealousy often consists of a combination of emotions such as anger, sadness, and disgust. It is not to be confused with envy.

The experience of jealousy involves:

• Fear of loss
• Suspicion or anger about betrayal
• Low self-esteem and sadness over loss
• Uncertainty and loneliness
• Fear of losing an important person to an attractive other
• Distrust

Envy is best defined as an emotion that occurs when a person lacks another’s (perceived) superior quality, achievement, or possession and either desires it or wishes that the other lacked it. Envy can also derive from a sense of low self-esteem that results from an upward social comparison threatening a person’s self image: another person has something that the envier considers to be important to have.

The experience of envy involves:

• Feelings of inferiority
• Longing
• Resentment of circumstances
• Ill will towards envied person often accompanied by guilt about these feelings
• Motivation to improve
• Desire to possess the attractive rival’s qualities
• Disapproval of feelings

It’s completely normal to be jealous and even envious of other people, and it’s also normal to have both feelings at the same time.

Feeling jealous and envious of others can seriously harm your own self-worth. What can you do when you are feeling these strong emotions?

You can learn from others who are more advanced that you are.

Everyone has something to teach you so recognize that you may be in a learning stage so be open to becoming better. Even the most skilled person has something to learn from other people. If you are only happy if you are the best at something, you are setting yourself up for a world of unhappiness. But, if you change your mindset to be open to learning and evolving, you can be happy knowing that you are improving.

Accept what you are feeling, but learn to separate your feelings from your actions.

It’s okay to feel jealous or envious of others, but it’s not okay to self-sabotage or act in ways that hurt others because what you’re feeling. If you act on these feelings it diminishes you and others.

Recognize that people have natural talents that you may not have.

There will always be people who are more accomplished and successful than you are. But, also recognize that you have unique abilities, too. I always remember this saying “While you’re looking at someone, someone else is looking at you“. It puts things into perspective. Other people may be jealous of you and your natural talents.

Don’t compare yourself with others.

You don’t know the circumstances or the years of effort that went into what seems so easily to someone else. I can’t compare myself to people who either have a natural writing ability or have been writing for years. It’s not fair for me to compare myself to someone who has 10 books published. Also, you don’t see the mounds of drafts and discarded writings that the person has stuffed away. We only see the best that that person has produced. It’s not a fair comparison. It’s more healthy to compare myself with someone who is at the same level as me or to compare my past work to my current work.

Use your strong emotions as motivation.

I can look to my articles in the past and see how much I’ve improved. This acts as to motivate myself to improve my writing even further so that one day, I could be good enough to have my book published. You can use your feelings to work harder and improve. Challenge yourself to become better.

Know that life is not a zero-sum game.

There is enough for everyone, believe it or not. I know some people who don’t believe that and are very competitive (very petty, too) and who believe that they must have their slice before it’s all gone. We all have talents that can contribute to the betterment of everyone. If you write beautiful poetry that doesn’t mean that I can’t write beautiful poetry, too. We can both contribute beautiful poetry and add more beauty to the world.

Work on your insecurities.

When you feeling jealous, you are really feeling insecure about your abilities and self-worth. You may not be the best in the world at something, but that doesn’t mean that you are the worst, either. You may be experiencing feelings of low self-esteem. But, look at actors and how much rejection they face. Can you say who is the best actor in the world? Even the best actor has feelings of worthlessness because there is no such thing as being The Best in the World. We are all insecure about something but that doesn’t mean it should be used an excuse. Even if you never become The Best in the World, can you still be satisfied that you tried your best? Can you be happy that you at least attempted to become The Best?

Remember that we all started at the beginning at something.

It’s perfectly normal to want everything, to be the best, immediately. Especially in this era of instant gratification. We want to become and have everything now. But, that’s not how life works. Malcolm Gladwell in his book Outliers says that it takes 10,000 hours of practicing a specific task to become successful in any field. Don’t beat yourself up because of what stage you are currently in. There will always be people who are ahead of you and people who are behind you. This relates to not comparing yourself to others because you don’t know how many hours someone else has already put into their field. As you improve, you grow confidence in yourself and your abilities.

Be grateful for what you do have.

If you are truly grateful for what you do have and recognize that you are blessed with so much. Instead of looking externally to what others have and your perception that you are lacking something, look around at the blessings you do have in life. People who are happy, have meaning in their lives, and are content with themselves, are rarely jealous of other people. They already value and are thankful for what they have and do not begrudge the good fortune of others.

What are your thoughts? How do you deal with your feelings of jealousy and envy?

Related Posts:

1. Create Your Future Using a Vision Board
2. How to Motivate Yourself in Times of Stress
3. Warning: These Emotions May Be Affecting You More Than You Think
4. Why You Need to Write in Your Goals Book Daily
5. How Zero-Based Thinking Can Help Your Future

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Tagged as: Confidence, Envy, Jealousy, Personal Development, Self-Esteem